Ouch, Ouch, and double Ouch!

The pain in my hip, leg and foot are still with me. It has been over a week now and has subsided from time to time, but has never gone away. Today it is so painful. My hip and calf of my leg have undescribable pain in them. My right foot feels so funny. It feels numb, yet I can tell when something touches it. WIERD!

I really don't want to go back to the doctor with it, but guess I must. I am afraid I may have nerve damage and only hope it will heal.

I hate spending money on doctors and medical costs. I want to save enough to get a small car again. I have to have the Nissan put in the shop to have the windshield regasketed (how about that for inventing a new word?!) and the short in the lighting system repaired.

Les leaves at 4pm today to go to Camp McCain for two weeks. I need for my leg and back to get well enough to be able to go clean out his house. We need to get the gas company to bring gas, relight the pilots in the stove and hot water heater but until it is cleaned out some NO One can go in there.

I'd like to get it cleaned up really good and finish decorating it in wildlife, farm, and horses motif. I want to get my room there where I can go to be alone sometimes. I want get  him a washer and dryer so he can keep up with his laundry.

I wish I could come up with a fantastically touching idea for Christmas gifts for my sisters. They always come up with the best, most meaningful ideas, and I just draw a blank.

 I want to manage my time to where I can see Aylin more, visit my sisters more and still have income enough to keep the bills paid.

I want to be what God wants me to be and to know what that is...

Back to What If

I have been sick, and in pain so missed a few days. I am still envisioning the front porch renovation in my mind's eye for the old Skipper homeplace.

I would screen in the front porch. That would keep bugs out, fresh air in and the view would still be clear to look over the rolling hills down to Daddy's house. The entire pasture with old red barn, the pond and whatever livestock is grazing within view. The pecan and cataba trees are clearly visible and the birds can be viewed without frightening them away.

Okay. Let's make our way back to the dining room and put in a door to the outside, possibly french doors. Here I want to add a sunroom on here to catch the early morning sunrise. I am sure it will be my favorite room. It will be a haven to visit and rejuvinate. A place to meditate, pray, read, study, crochet, and dream.

Continueing on to the small room between the dining room and bedroom I will paint the walls in an eggshell color and replace all the WWE Wrestling posters Tommy so loved when he occupied this small space as a bedroom. The two closets in this room will get a new coat of varnish, but will remain unchanged otherwise. They were built before my birth by my Granny Lydia Mae VanDevender Skipper's brother, Uncle Jack VanDevender. They are precious to me. I will turn the room into a sewing room with the sewing machine placed at the window for optimal sunlight.

The bathroom, the bathroom, the bathroom....it is a mess with peeling blue paint. It really needs a complete overhaul with new wood , floor and all. I will keep the blue bathtub, sink and toilet and work around the baby blue color scheme.

The foyer with it's 16 ft celing will be painted in a coat of white paint to brighten the entrance to the home. I will put up peach colored curtains on the three large window panes in the front door. I will reinstall the old door knobs of marble I still have put up until I have the money to renovate. On the walls will hang family pictures dating from the first ancestors to present day family.

Gramps bedroom I will paint pale butter yellow. The old storage cabinet built by Grandpa Caleb VanDevender will be repainted a tan or coffee color and left in this room. His bedframe burned while in storage at Uncle Evie's house so I will search the antique markets for another. The double closet in his room was also built by Uncle Jack. They are unique and don't look like a closet at all by today's standards. There is also a small closet space like the one's of today in the front corner of the room. I will leave the mantle in the room and put an antique pendulam clock I own there. I will also have a rack to display fishing lures. He always had beetle spins, a black and yellow feathered fly lure, and multicolored plastic worms to choose from. I still have his old "slop jar" and will place it at the side of his bed in it's usual place.

I guess that is enough decorating for now.

IF Part II

If money were available I would replace the worn, crumbling front porch. I would replace the swing and get a setee set just like the one Granny used to have. THIS I would paint RED, RED, RED! Yeah, Granny is happy! I wish I had more time but between my three jobs it is time to go to work.

IF, I could EVER have a day off MAYBE I could catch up on rest, writing, reading and WHATEVER!!

If

If. Such a small word with such an expanse of non-existence. If I had made better choices in life I wouldn't be struggling so hard now. If I had finished college, I would have income enough to restore my old 1887 homeplace the way I'd like to. If I could restrain myself from "adopting" others I would not work three jobs. If I did that I would not have nearly as much love surrounding me so that's not a good trade off. Maybe I should waste my if on IF I had money available...

If I had the money I would repaint the old home and put a new tin roof on it. Not just any old tin roof, no I want to replace the old one with one of the colored tins available in today's world. If I put red Granny will be watching from heaven screaming, "Yes! Yes!" and dancing with joy...Ahhh, but Gramps will be cringing even in heaven. He hated red, Granny loved red. Blue, green, copper, he would be okay with, but red? Okay, so I won't put a red roof on the old matriarch of a home. Yellow was Gramps favorite color, like the sun. The stately home would look wonderful with a coat or two or three of pastel yellow paint. 

Okay, so now Gramps is happy with a beautiful yellow home on the hill overlooking a serene pond. The cows are grazing in the emerald green pasture with calves kicking up their heels as they romp and play. The bluebird is sitting on the fence post watching with a curious eye as to what is taking place so close to it's home in the old cedar at the corner of the house. The bluebird takes flight to the pecan tree to put a little more distance between himself and all the commotion going on.

If Daddy is looking down from heaven's gate, he'd say put a blue roof on. He loved the color blue. The house would look like something straight from a storybook being pastel yellow with a blue roof. Yeah, I kinda like that too.

But here comes Mama peeping down and thinks, "Now if I was still alive, I'd put a green roof on that house. Green and yellow go so well together. Granny has hands on hips is thinking, "red, red is definitely a brighter, prettier color. If you are going to have a drab yellow house you could at least put a red roof on it.

If I know what I wanted to do I could choose the colors I want. I am the one living. I am the one doing the work. I am... I am... I am always wanting to please someone else EVEN some that are dead and gone. I don't even know what I want anymore. Even IF I did I couldn't afford it anyway.....IF

And a new endeavor begins....

Blogging is new to me. I wrote in a diary for years until it was destroyed and I never resumed it. I wrote stories and poetry for years but lost the heart for it after they were destroyed as well. A few years ago, I began to write again.

I love to write and have samples of my stories, poems, articles, and more at writing.com. My account there is Sandy1219.

My day began at 0001 August 25, 2010 at work as a 9-1-1 dispatcher. It was a quiet night and my partner and I worked online taking emergency management courses. A worthwhile endeavor!!:) 6 a.m. rolled around and we were relieved by the next shift.

Then began an exercise in grief manangement. Today is my ex-husband's birthday and is always a day that brings a tear and some treasured memories. This year found the tears were still sorrowful, but not all consuming.

I was browsing Twitter and Facebook and found this blogspot. My mind and heart reached out to grasp an avenue to express and share sorrow, sadness, despair, love, joy, wishes, hopes of my spirit through words.

Today will soon end finding me at work again as I work 6p.m. to 6 a.m  And tomorrow will be another day...

Whispering Dove is my Native American name. I welcome you to my blog. Please visit me again.