If

If. Such a small word with such an expanse of non-existence. If I had made better choices in life I wouldn't be struggling so hard now. If I had finished college, I would have income enough to restore my old 1887 homeplace the way I'd like to. If I could restrain myself from "adopting" others I would not work three jobs. If I did that I would not have nearly as much love surrounding me so that's not a good trade off. Maybe I should waste my if on IF I had money available...

If I had the money I would repaint the old home and put a new tin roof on it. Not just any old tin roof, no I want to replace the old one with one of the colored tins available in today's world. If I put red Granny will be watching from heaven screaming, "Yes! Yes!" and dancing with joy...Ahhh, but Gramps will be cringing even in heaven. He hated red, Granny loved red. Blue, green, copper, he would be okay with, but red? Okay, so I won't put a red roof on the old matriarch of a home. Yellow was Gramps favorite color, like the sun. The stately home would look wonderful with a coat or two or three of pastel yellow paint. 

Okay, so now Gramps is happy with a beautiful yellow home on the hill overlooking a serene pond. The cows are grazing in the emerald green pasture with calves kicking up their heels as they romp and play. The bluebird is sitting on the fence post watching with a curious eye as to what is taking place so close to it's home in the old cedar at the corner of the house. The bluebird takes flight to the pecan tree to put a little more distance between himself and all the commotion going on.

If Daddy is looking down from heaven's gate, he'd say put a blue roof on. He loved the color blue. The house would look like something straight from a storybook being pastel yellow with a blue roof. Yeah, I kinda like that too.

But here comes Mama peeping down and thinks, "Now if I was still alive, I'd put a green roof on that house. Green and yellow go so well together. Granny has hands on hips is thinking, "red, red is definitely a brighter, prettier color. If you are going to have a drab yellow house you could at least put a red roof on it.

If I know what I wanted to do I could choose the colors I want. I am the one living. I am the one doing the work. I am... I am... I am always wanting to please someone else EVEN some that are dead and gone. I don't even know what I want anymore. Even IF I did I couldn't afford it anyway.....IF